Bored...

Well the weather continues to be delightful, but the Seychelles continues to be crap. I was back onboard yesterday at 5pm cos there is nowhere to go and nothing to do. Some people say I shouldn't moan, but it makes me feel much better.

On a lighter note, in the bar last night I had placed a wager with one of the lads - who can grow the best moustache over four days. Now usually I wouldn't even go down that road, being 28 going on 12, but I think can win this one! This is gonna be fun.

God the things you do when you have nothing to do in the Seychelles...

So bored...

Oh my God - there is nothing at all to do in the Seychelles besides sit on a beach or sit on a beach. Some people may like that but its not my idea of fun!

I have been watching the new season of Family Guy, but that only took up a few hours which means I now have nothing at all to do. There isn't even anything happening up in the radio room! Oh god at least I only have 5 days of this eternal boredom left - then homeward bound for mega party!

My tan is coming along rather nicely though...!

Not a lot to do...

Ahoy there from a sunny Seychelles!

With Christmas only round the corner there really isn't alot happening in Roy land. It really doesn't feel very Christmasey at all, mainly due to the bakin hot weather and there not being many decorations up ashore. But I am making up for it with my continued partying!

Went ashore yesterday at 9am on the premise of getting some postcards and finding a net cafe. Thankfully, for a change I managed to do both before everyone else came ashore and dragged me (Kickin' and screaming I might add!) to the local bars. Not a mad one though - was back onboard by 8 in the evening. The heat really does take it out of ya. Strangely this doesn't seem to happen very often back home!

They Seychelles is nice but why anyone in there right mind would pay thousands of pounds to come out here is beyond me. Besides the nice beaches and stunning scenery there isn't that much to do, to be honest, besides sit on the beach admiring the stunning scenery - oh and get a tan! Still its better than credit crunched UK though!

Speaking of the UK I have begun packing in preperation for my big journey home in just 10 days! Oh I am sooooooo excited now. Not long. I hope everyone has booked the Monday off, cos I can see a long party weekend when I am home...

Oh and it Christmas tomorrow!

Life is good.

Seychelles Day 2

Well we finally got to the buoy yesterday and shore leave was granted! Yeah I am in the Seychelles!!! As ever I quickly got changed and msde sure I was (as usual) the first person down the gangway. We chug chugged away for a couply of minutes to the shore on what I would consider the most rickety boat I have ever been on and I am in the RFA - how it floated was beyond me. But one rollercoaster ride of a journey we arrived at the shore, in the not so sunny Seychelles. Its still warm though.

Anyway, straight outside the gate of the port was a nice little bar where we proceeded to have some drinkey drinkey yum yums. The only drawback of this place was that you could see the ship from its windows - you don't travel ashore to be reminded of where you have to live, sleep and work (occasionally). So we left there and proceeded to frequent every bar we could find. But oh no! We have to be back to the port to catch the last boat. Running is not my thing so much coughing, gasping and general exercise later we arrived at the port with about five minutes to spare. But where is the boat? Midnight, quarter past, twenty past, still no boat. Being extremely drunk and just wanting to get back the ship this was becoming rather tiresome. We rang the ship and an hour later what can only be described as a rowing boat came and got us. I wore my life jacket on that thing...

This morning wasn't too bad. I was duty so had to float about looking busy (very good at that - piece of paper in your hand and everyone thinks you are rushed of ya feet) so it passed off quite well. Still got a bit of a headache though - its not the booze, I must be coming down with something (yes its probably withdrawl!).

Off again tomorrow so planning to go ashore and do it all over again.

Will I ever learn?

We got to the Seychelles in one piece!

Yeah for RFA Disaster!

We arrived safe and sound at the Seychelles and are currently at anchor. Shore leave isn't granted till tomorrow which means we all have to stay onboard tonight knowing land is only a hop skip and a jump away. But I don't suppose it realy matters. What difference does a day make?

Its meant to be real expensive here, but with me being imune from the so called credit crunch it doens't really bother me. Come all the way to the Seychelles and not enjoy myslef? Never! Oh I am rather excited!

And on another exciting note - I only have 13 days to go. Hurah! I am really looking forward to coming home now - and how home will have changed. The city centre is completely different from when I was last home, hopefully that spider has gone, my home is currently being renovated and I have over three months leave to sample it all!

13 days to go...

Another day in paradise

Ah the voyage of the damned contniues aplenty!

Another exciting day passed by with little much happening. I woke up this morning at about ten feeling rather good so decided I may aswell go and do another hour of sunbathing. Its starting to grow on me actually. I don't think I could sit on a beach doing it all day, but walking round the upper deck, with the sea breeze in your face is rather refreshing. As we approach the equator its getting rather warm, so I made sure I didn't stay out too long!

Off to my watch which entailed the usual nothing. And when I say its dead, I mean its dead. Deaderer than dead even. Much web browsing later I had my fire exercise to look forward to. Oh and what a joy it was to behold. Regular readers will will see that my previous efforts at these type of things usually end in either someones death, lots of lost people or me throwing up due to excessive amounts of alcohol the night before. Strangely none of these things happened and it went rather well. It must be cos I am coming home in a few weeks - or perhaps all that sun has gone to my head.

After that too the bar which was surprisingly busy. We are lucky if there are five people in there some nights! But no it was double figures last night. Crazy. We must get a bouncer on the door with one of those clicker things to make sure its safe - healf and safety you know! The bar looks very Christmasey now that I have decorated it (as Mess President its my responsibility to do these things) and we all got into the spirit of the night with a few drinks and some Xmas snacks.

Now I must remember when I am in work next...

Not long now...

Oh god what an incredibly boring day.

Nothing at all is happening on this heap of junk. I have looked at everything on the internet, twice. And it still wasn't that interesting the second time round. Oh dear... I even ended up sunbathing for two hours today. And I hat sunbathing. Really hate it. But it would be rude to go home paler than when I left all those months ago. Oh how I want to be home soon - luckily I am so I don't know why I am complaining.

They are having a big fire exercise tomorrow which should be a barrel of laughs. Can't wait for that. It usually entials me sending people to the wrong place and then blaming them for not listening to my instructions properly! I will muddle through knowing that once its all over I can go down the bar for a drinkey drinkey yum yum. I haven't been down the bar for days. Dunno why. I think I should and soon. I could even go tonight, but don't thik I will. We will see. Yes see. Ummmm beeeer. See. Resist Roy!

I'm coming home!

Its official campers! I will be home on Sunday, 4th January. I land at Heathrow just after seven then board my Virgin Pendolino to Liverpool arriving bang on midday! I can't wait now and am getting really excited.

I hope everyone is going to be there to meet me. I would prefer banners, a brass band and maybe Granada.

And this is absolutely hilarious - you can;t make stuff like this up: (From the Liverpool Echo)

Clown brings chaos to Merseyrail

A SOUTHPORT woman dressed as a clown drove her car onto a live train track.
The 57-year-old had a lucky escape on Saturday when she ended up on the line at Crescent Road level crossing, Birkdale, Southport.
It is understood the woman, who was wearing a curly blonde wig, painted red cheeks, a green jacket and stripy socks, thought she was turning into Dover Road when she ended up on the track at 5.30pm.

Oh the shame!

See you in a few weeks campers!

Off we go again!

Not more work!

How rude!

I was expecting to be on a flight some time next week to the oasis of calm that is Liverpool. But nooooooooooo, the ship is desperately needed somewhere to support some other ship doing something. As ever I have to be incredibly vague, but where we are going is going to be ace for Xmas day on the beach and very warm. I am trying my hardest to whinge and wine about it, but its really going to be quite good. So instead of whinging and wineing, I will just drink lots of wine and whinge about the hangover the following day. Nice. I did get an email telling when I was due off the ship, but they don't seemed to have realised we will be at sea. I know they are trying to save money, but making me swim home is taking it a bit far. And what about all those sharks? Well I shouldn't really worry - I would only be good as a toothpick!

Had an ace time in my last port. Got to admit though it was real expensive with the dodgy exchange rate and not alot there, but me being me I can have a party in a fone box with no money! Glad to have left no though. I spent an absoulte fortune. Luckily I am not affected by the credit crunch, so continue to spend spend spend. It would be rude not to.

So as I continue to live the dream, it was announced today we are going to have a BBQ tomorrow on the upper deck. How nice. This usually involves copious amount of alcohol, dodgy BBQ food and a jolly good laugh. Luckily I am off aswell, so don't have to worry about stumbling back to work. Yeah for Roy!

I know its hard to believe from all the fone calls, emails and texts, but I do do some work every now and then. I just hide it well.

I was very ill yesterday

Oh dear, after y usual chinangins I was very very ill yesterday. Saturday started off so well. Me and one of the lads went down to the Bahrain Hard Rock Cafe and had a luvly meal and a few drinks. This however degnerated into my partying till 4 in the morning. Getting up at about twelve I thought I would brave the outside world and went ashore.

Big mistake.

Upon arriving at the Coffee Shop I immediately had to make the 10 yard dash to the loo's and then threw up, over and over and over again. Classy!

I stumbled back the ship about an hour later only to make numerous more phone calls on the porcelain telephone. I then lay in bed all night feeling very sorry for myself.

I feel ace today though so am going down the bar for one or two, before we sail for a few days. Back in port next week though. Where - nobody knows!

Be good everyone!

How rude - I'm working...

Being the nice person I am I decided I would cover a few duties this week so that the lads can get there wives/girlfriends out.So I have to work today, tomorrow, Wednesday and Sunday. Now as ever I use the term work very very loosely, but it does mean I won't be able to lounge around some pool somewhere on those days.

I could always run a really long cable to the pool from the ship...

I know hell exists - I was there all day yesterday!

Ahoy all!

As ever my life continues to revolve around partying, sunbathing and generally not doind a lot to be honest. But is anyone asks I am working damn hard.

Well on Thursday I decided we should have a big night out. The problem was I was on a half day so dragged on of the girls ashore with me at 12pm, on the premise of doing some shopping. Unfortunately this turned into much drinking, starting at about 2 in the afternoon. Blind drunk by about 7 we thought it would be a really good idea to go clubbing, so stumbled bach the ship, ganged up on a fe of the lads forcing them to go out and went clubbing. Much crazy dancing and drikking later I looked at my watch and it was now 3 in the morning. OH OH! Someone is in work soon. After waiting what felt like an eternity I got to bed at 4 only to have to get back up at 7.

It was not a good start to the day. My mouth tasted like I had eaten a bag of gravel, washed down with a glass of mud and then just for good measure a bit more gravel. Stumbling up to work I made my excuses and went off to find some work. Thats what they thought anyway. I just went back to my cabin and lay on my bed till 10.30. Feeling very, very sorry for myself. Rousing myselrf back to life I went back to work then disappeared on the premise of finding some 'paint' to go and 'paint' something. This meant going back to bed. I woke up at 1245 only to throw up everywhere - not a good start to the afternoon. Then went back the shack and disappeared again. This time though I did find some paint. Didn't paint anything tho - but at least it looked like I was working.

Nearing towards the end of the day I finally thought thank god I can go to bed proper soon. But nooooooooo. Lets throw in a fire exercise and the end of the day. Alarms going off everywhere are not good for someone who has the hangover from hell. Thinking at least this would be a good scive I trundled down the gangway ashore to get out the way. Nooooooo... Chief Engineer comes up to me and tells me he is impressed with the way I run the incident board so would I do it otherwise things that end would fall apart. I grunt of agreement I started doing what I am trained to do. But then I could feel the puke stirring in my stomach. I was gonna throw up everywhere!!! This would not have been a good idea with the Captain, Chief Engineer and Chief Officer all beside me. Cold sweats and a haze of realization that I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold down last nights takeela slammers I nearly thru up, but very clasily swollowed it back down, saving it for the invetiable later. Luckily the exercise finished not much later and I ran back to my cabin and made a phone call on the porcelain telephone. Nice.

I went ashore hoping to feel a bit better, but gave up after half an hour realizing I was neither use nor ornament sitting in a pub feeling sorry for myself.

Feel ace today though!

You can't make it up!

Well as ever in the RFA things don't go according to plan.

Yesterday they were making me do something called 'work'. Completely shocked and bamboozled by this new phrase, I looked it up in the dictionary and was astounded to find that I should have been doing it for the past few years. One not liking change I have chosen to ignore it.

Anyway, the ship had to do an adandon ship drill (crazily) whilst along side. So they needed two volunteers to go in the life boats and go into the water. Always one for a scive I couldn't resist. Off they go lowering the life boats into the water. Me a few deckies and someone else and drop the boat into the water. Start the engine. Ah but it soesn't seem to work. We began drifting dangerously close to other ships and were about to get the oars out when the wind changed and pushed us back toward the ship. We crashed into the side and were eventually rescues by another boat.

If the ship should ever be sinking I think I will take my chance in the water! One of the other boats has a hole in it so began sinking!

Join the RFA - you know it sounds fun and safe!

Oh and one more thing...

Set you alarm clocks, note it in your diary, plan to leave the country....

I will now be back home on the 14th Januaryish....

Week One in Bahrain

Well hellow there everyoone - I thought I would update you to all my goings on whilst in Bahrain.

As ever it has been eventful and much drunkedness, but every now and then I do have civilized moments, like now, I have just eaten in a delightful coffee shop and am presently sipping a cup of earl grey. But don't tell anyone - I don't want to damage my reputation!

We arrived over a week ago and on the first night I was one of the first people up the road (obviously) and went straight to the Ex-pat club here in Bahrain. Faaaaaar too much booze later I was cajooled into jumping into the swimming pool, fully clothed. The promptly caused a riot with the management threatening to ban the RFA from the club. Much apologizing later, this calmed down. I think. We then went clubbing. I remember drinking champagne and dancing like a fool (but one who can dance rather well) on some stage somewhere. I arrived back on the ship just before four REALLY looking forward to getting up for work at 7!

Once up and about (I use the term very very loosely) I decided it was in my best interests to probably keep a low profile on Saturday. So I generally pottered about the ship, hiding when anyone with any authority walked by. I stumbleed thru what seemed like the longest fours hours in the world and went to bed at midday. I didn't get up until the following morning. Must have been all that hard work I was doing.

On Sunday I felt it was now safe to go ashore and we got very very drunk again, no pool this time though. On the way back the ship we were in a Yank bus and we invited them all onboard. They couldn't believe we had four bars onboard and compared our ship to a cruise ship. Now I haven't ever been on a cruise ship (some might say my life is one big cruise, but we won't talk about that) but they seemed to think it was. Fools. No wonder we chose not to rule them anymore!!!! They were a real good laugh and by the time they stumbled down the gangway they were very very drunk and we proceeded back ashore to go clubbing. Nooooo idea what time I got back.

The next few days were much of the same, until we sailed for a week, which actually turned out to be 18 hours. Dunno why. I don't think we broke down and I couldn't smell anything burning so it can't have been that. Well anyway we got back into port and proceeded ashore once again. Got very drunk (see the recurring theme here) and stumbled back faaaar to late but still managed to get up for work.

Yesterday was another generally civilized day. I have discovered a luvly coffee shop with wifi which allows me to sit hereb typing this. Tomorrow the Americans are taking me and one of the girld go-karting as a thanks for the ace time onboard RFA Disaster, the followiing day I am going shopping and over the weekend I plan to go to the waterpark. Oh and I might do some work inbetween (but no promises!).

Don't you wish you had a 'job' like me!?

Not long now..... I think.

Ahoy there all!!!

Well we get into port today. Allegedly.

It really has been touch and go as to whether we would get in. At one point HQ where going to send us somewhere else. Until they realised we weren't in the right ocean. Or hemisphere. In fact we were not at all anywhere near where they though we were. This all seemed very strange until we realised they had rang the wrong ship. Only in the RFA! And the ships programme has changed twice in 24 hours - right ship this time though. I think.

I am sooooooooooo excited. I can't wait to get in and go the pub. And drink and drink and drink. I may even treat some Yanks to a pint. Then show them how to drink. Don't they know we used to rule the world? At one point we even owned them! They may have all this fancy kit, expensive ships and nice weather - there HQ may even know the right telephone numbers for there ships, but hey we Brits can drink 'em under the table!!!!!!!!!

Updates via Facebook from tommorrow (if we get in) until (if) we sail.

Good news - Sky Channels coming back to Virgin!

Good news everyone - the Sky channels are coming back to Virgin. This means I will be able to fast forward, rewind and pause just like a DVD the crap Sky show aswell now! YEAH!

From Virgin:

Sky's bouquet of basic TV channels including Sky1 and Sky News are to return to Virgin Media's digital cable service on November 13..The Sky basic channels will be spread across each tier of Virgin's cable TV service: Sky3, Sky News and Sky Sports News will be available in the lowest M tier; Sky1 and Sky2 will be available in the L tier; and Sky Arts 1, Sky Arts 2, Sky Real Lives and Sky Real Lives 2 will join the XL tier.

Just over a month to go!

Oh well campers it looks like I will be home early!

They cant' afford to keep me out here so I have the pleasure of coming home early. Luck old me. I haven't budgeted for it but will have to make ends meet! Its gonna be fun - I will now be home for Xmas, New Year and my birthday. Hey hey!

I do however have to take a weeks holiday somwhere along the line to ensure I get my tax back - its worth it though for £5000!!!! Imagien the fun I can have with that....

We get into our next port soon - things are really quiet on here at the moment. Absolutely nothing - and I mean nothing is happening. Oh roll on December...

Halloween Ball Pix - Me as Snack Size Action Man

Oh well we had the halloween party and it was ace. I only have very vague recollections of it but everyone had a really good time and about 15 people out of a crew 40 turned up which was ace. I really felt ill the next day though - but thats what a whole bottle of vodka will do to you!

Haloween Party Tonight

Wooooo

Arrghh!

Tonight is our haloween party. We have decorated the bar and all have our costumes ready. I look ace as Snack Size Action Man....

Will post the pix tomorrow....

Slowly going nowhere!

Ahoy there!

Another exciting day in paradise. Bugger all is happening. We don't even now what or when our next port of call is 'cos the powers that be don't even know. Its good to know that someone somewhere has no idea what this ship is up to. The amount of rumours flying round vary from Dubai to the moon!!!! We wait and see, but until then I just continue to stumble through the weeks. On a lighter note I am half way through my trip...

I have just been elected mess president for some reason. I think the crew had had faaaaarr too much to drink that night! Well anyway my first commandment was to organize a Haloween Fancy Dress Party. Oh tis gonna be ace. I am going as a wounded Marine. A snack size Action Man. I look ace in my Marine outfit!!! I will post pix as soon as I have them.

Right I am off the bar once my watch has finished for a few drinkey drinkey yum yums. I deserve it. Definitely. If I keep telling myself that it will sound true...

What a week!

Well we have finally sailed. Things are not going very well on here at the mo as no one knows what we are doing or going!!! Ah well - here are some pix from my trip so far. Lots of relaxing to be honest! He he he

I will muddle through though.

Dubai here I come!

Well we get in today campers. I can't wait.

I have been at sea for almost seven weeks, and even though I haven't exactly worked very hard, its still nice to get off RFA Disaster for a while.

Went down ze bar last night and had a few drinky drinky yum yums. Had a jolly good laugh aswell. Oh got to go someone has just appeared and very rudely asked me to do something...

Put a bangin donk in it!

Well hello there everyone.

Its a life on the ocean waves, a life on the ocean waves.
Wasn't that nice everyone - a nice little sing song to get you going? I hope it sticks in your head all day. Another reason to remember me!

The weather here is truly delightful. My tan is coming along rather nicely. It really is a hard life lazing on the upperdeck with my Walkman on listening to some house classix whilst going a luvly brown. I hope everyone back home is having as much fun in the sun as I am!

As promised I went down the bar last night and had a few quiet drinks - not! I decided it would be a terrible shame for those bottles of red wine to go to waste. So I put two of them out of there misery. I felt surprisingly tip top this morning and my watch flew over. Strange. I should do this more often...

But don't forget everyone - put a donk in it!

What a ruubish ending

Well I wasn't expecting that. I sat for almost three hours through Titanic and the ship sank. I really didn't see that one coming. I thought it would get to New York and Jack and Rose would live happily ever after and have three children called Fred, Bungle and Jereboam. They would move to San Fransisco in there twilight years to setup up a small general store called Mochachocalatteamma. Then die in each others arms in a Gangland shooting for not payin the homies respect.

Weird how things never turn out as you expect, eh?

Titanic

I am going to watch the film Titanic tonight. Allegedly it is about some ship that sailed across the Atlantic. I hope its worth a watch and has a good ending. I wonder what will happen?

I have forgotten...

I really wish I could remember how many films FilmFlex has at my fingertips.

I really fancy staying and watching a thriller!

More pirates!

Argh! There be pirates in these waters there be!

Yes, RFA Disaster has been chasing more pirates. Todays lot were as dull as the last lot. This time though they were far far away. It took us half the day to get to them. Then it turned out they weren't pirates at all, just fisherman out plying there warez! Silly old us. Tomorrow I expect we will chase after more pirates which will probably be a whale.

What has little old me been up to then? I went down the bar last night as it was my night off again and had some delicious wine. I drank one and a half bottles and as usual have very little recollection of anything after about 11pm. As ever sleepin is cheatin so I think I stayed up watching a DVD. Why I bothered I will never know as I have no idea what I watched but am sure it was Oscar Award Winning material.

We get into port soon and am really looking forward to it. I intend to go ashore as early as possible and lounge in the nearby hotel. Its gonna be ace. I will also be able to have phone conversations with people without the 3 second delay that plagues the statellite fone. I bet everyone back home is made up to know they will soon hear from my daily!!!!

Shiver me timbers!

Another day steams by with me achieveing not alot. Its certainly getting quieter on here and I doubt very much is going to happen before we get into port.

But... today we chased after some pirates!!!!!

I use chased in the very very loosest sense of the word. We sort of just pointed the ship in there general direction and starting heading towards them. Luckily for the pirates this rust bucket is not going to win any speed competitions and it looked like they had at least one man rowing so we never even got close. Even at full speed, with everyone out pushing and the wind behind us this thing still goes backwards!!!!

I was incredibly drunk last night. Its my night off so I thought why not? It would be rude not to. One and a half botles of wine later I was stumblig round the ship. Jolly good fun! I think I also made some fone calls. So if I spoke to you then remind me what I said to you!

My ramblings make more sense drunk anyway.

From bad to worse

Oh how I love my job.

Because of our continuing, chronic food and drink shortages it looks like we will be going in to port early. I can imagine the woried fone calls back to HQ. 'Look, if we don't get in to port soon Roy will vanish! He isn't exactly overweight anyway and a few more days of letttuce on stale toast ain't gonna do him any favours!'.

Joking aside things are rather grim.

We are down to our last four hundred tea bags.

Grim indeed.

With not alot to do except go round in squares in the middle of the ocean, tea is a prized commodity. Becuase I saw this coming (in reality I luckily found abox of 150 Tetley tea bags a few weeks ago and moved them upto the shack) I still have much tea and coffee up here to keep me going, but you can see some people getting worried. 400 tea bags ain't gonna last long.

The fools! They should have foresaw the events and stole tea like I did!!!! Ha!

Besides the majority of the crew wasting away and whimpering for tea and coffee I watched a fantastic tv proggie which I can recommend to anyone.

Due to the Sat Tv being broken (have I mentioned that before? Cos I am bored sick of being reminded about in onboard) we are watching discs which HQ send us with recordings of selected tv programmes on. Its a bit like Virgins TV on Demand except you can't choose what to watch. Anyway the proggie is called 'The Inbetweeners' and was originally on E4 about a group of late teeners living there lives. Its very very funny and very good. I do hope its recommisioned.

Another recommendation is 'The Supersizers go...'. This is about two people who live for a week eating what different generation ate eg. the 1970's, Edwardian, Elizabethan etc. Its quite informative but also quite funny. The woman in it is just usally pissed and the fella, well also usually pissed, but just eats and eats. Watch them both if they should get repeated.

I do work every now and then - its not all TVTVTVVTVTTVTV.

Unbelieveable!

Hey all!

Its been very quiet on here, which as we aren't really doing anything isn't that surprising. But no post would be complete without the 'only in the RFA'.

Because we have been at sea for longer than expected we are running out of food. Yes they are really starting worry that we might go hungry. Your not going to believe this but rationing has been intorduced on certain items. For example tea is only available on a Monday and Wednesday - why Monday and Wednesday is a mystery -, juice will only be available at certain other times. Fresh veg is a no - no except for special occasions and milk is only available in small quantities. I expect we will be issued with little books and stamps and ave to queue round the block for our slice of butter, spoon of sugar etc.

Yes its hard to believe, but then again this is the RFA!

Then it goes to another extreme and we are having a BBQ today on the deck which should be fun! I wonder how rationing will work there.'No you have already had one slice of lettuce on your half a burger on a slice of unbuttered bread - shoo shoo'.

Unfortunately for me I have work at 8 so can't have a drink at the BBQwhich is rather annoying. What would usually happen is anyone who isn't going the BBQ will stand in for you, but the lad in the dept who isn't going (and its his night off!) has said he won't do that for anyone and will just be watching TV in his cabin. Idiot. I shouted at him loads today and made it quite clear mine and everyone elses thoughts about him...

Other than that things are ace. I got a bit drunk last night and was playing Wii games at 2 in the morning.Starngely I am better at bowling drunk than sobre...

Skins

Oh my God...

Incredibly busy as ever, I have just been watching an episode of Skins. That teen E4 proggie. I am never watching it ever again. Its like my life in 45 minutes. Faaaaaarr to many similarities. Everyone is permanently wrecked, talking poo and generally not doing very much constructive. In this particluar episode there was jumping out of windows to avoid someones parents (check), to much booze (check) and lost of stuff (check) whcih made me cringe. In some respects it was rather tame compared to some weeks I have, but its still not good to see it in colour.

Anyway...

Rang around yesterday and everyone was shockingly sober (except me). Its not the same having a converstaion over the satellite fone drunk when the other person isn't. Don't remember much of the various conversations but sure they were all very interesting and worthwhile. So thank you whoever I spoke to!

Todays ponderable is why do you feet smell and your nose run? It makes no sense! I have far too much time on my hands.

Meeeeooooooooooooooow!

Ah well another day almost over. We haven't been turned round yet, told to go somewhere else, sank, or even crashed for days! It all seems rather odd. But then again the day is not yet over so we wait and see.

On a lighter note I am getting pissed tonight. They have some yum yum wine in the bar with my name written all over it. I have a t-shirt like that. I didn't even realise until someone pointed it out to me! I didn't buy it for that reason - promise! I can't help it if Primark (you know that pricey, upmarket, well-to-do clothes shop) want to put my name on t-shirts...

Din dins was delicious tonight - I even nearly went round for seconds! I decided against it though as I don't want to much food lining my stomach and meaning it takes me longer to get drunk. And if I had gone round for seconds I would have probably doubled my body weight or exploded (stop that cheering in the back). Speaking of which I have put on half a stone since I joined this ship. I can't see how. Everyone knows how hard I work - all that fat should burn off like there is now tomorrow. I am even breaking into a sweat as we speak typing this.

Best have a lay down for a few minutes.

Surprisingly Quiet

Something is not right.

It has been very very quiet onboard here over the past few days. Since all the trainers left not alot has happened. Something is afoot!

I haven't even had a drink - well thats a lie. I had two cans of Fosters yesterday afternoon but didn't even really enjoy them. Just wasn't in the mood. Strange - I must be ill. Off to the Doc for me (but what else would he find wrong with me? As I have mentioned before I am barred from Ashworth for 'corrupting the inmates' so they can't send me there again!).

We had the Sat TV (not) Repair Man out yesterday who confirmed what I already knew. The Sat TV dome is buggered. I could have saved him the journey but you know what these type are like. 'We know better than you' blah blah blah. So no tv for a few weeks - I am ready for the never ending whinging... God what did people do at sea before TV was around? I dread to think... I know what goes on when we do have TV!!!!

Shock! Horror! Two - Roy Strikes Back

Well I am quite proud of myself today.

After being up since 1am this morning (2-8 watch) then starting my stint in the command centre (HQ1) at 8 as Incident Board Manager I can't believe how well I did. Everything went really really well. I excelled!

Then when we had the debrief the senior FOST (Flag Officer Sea Training - 17th in line to the throne - more Royalty) highlighted the stars of the exercise and the other 2 were Senior Officers and then little old me. I couldn't believe it. I bet I will get some stick down the bar tonight!

Then to top it all of, when I have just came on watch he came upto the shack and told me I was an 'incredibly talented young man and a credit to the RFA and most importantly the ship!' He obviousbly down't know me that well! He then went onto explain he was amazed at my ability to liase with senior officers with confidence then pass loads of information around the ship quicly and most importantly correctly. He also mentioned he had made this clear to the Captain and that I have an extremely bright future if I continue this way.

I want some of whatever he is on!!!!!! Its put me in a really good mood actually. I was already really enjoying this trip and that has made it even better. But enough about me being brilliant.

Shock! Horror!

Well it look like Cyprus is off Campers. I can't believe it - I was really looking forward to getting deported from another country! I got up this morning only to be given the full horror of events. You will never guess why we aren't going. Ship far to busy? Were needed somewhere else? World War Three about to break out?

No...

Someone forgot to tell them we were coming.

You can't make stuff like this up.

You can imagine the Cypriot authorities on seeing this big grey ship heading for one of there ports.

'Oh no! The Brits are coming. First Afghanistan, then Iraq - now Cyprus.'

Bugger...

Day 2 of Operation 'Try not to kill anyone'

Ahhh, what a difference a day makes.

I managed not to get anyone killed today. Unfortunately this might of had something to do with me sending people to completely the wrong places. I managed to send one fire party to a compartment without a fire, and another team to a compartment without a flood. So the only way they were going to get injured is if they tripped up on the way! So the moral to the story is send people to the wrong places. At least you know it won't be a fire or flood that kills them. I don't think this would hold up at a board of inquiry but it sure helps me sleep at night!

Speaking of sleep, after my mucho mucho tiredness yesterday I managed to get loads and loads of sleep in today so feel tip top. I think my body has adjusted to all this 'work work work' now. Also I think the seventeen cups of tea and twenty three cans of coke are helping. To be honest though once the adrenaline gets going and I start sending people off to the wrong places the time just flys by.

Oh I had a Mars bar today - it was yum yum. I haven't had any real chocolate since I left the UK over a month ago. Livin' the dream eh?

87 days to go....

How rude!

You will not believe it but I have been forced to work today! I didn't join the navy to go to sea!

We have had the training people on teaching us what to do if the ships is sinking, or flooding or on fire. They could cut all this nonsence down by teaching what I would do if the ship was sinking, flooding or on fire - thats right, throw on a ife jacket, climb into a lifeboat, lower it and head for land ensuring to get supplies from the bar - you don't know how long it will be until you have your next drink!

For some reason known only to them they have me up in the control centre of the ship named HQ1. Don't know where HQ2 is, so it seems rather odd to call it HQ1, but I suppose someone somewhere was paid alot of money to come up with that. I get information from all round the ship then whittle it down reporting on the bits people need to know, updating an incident baord, which is basically a big map of the ship putting things like fire here, fire there etc. The problem is I really don't know my way round the ship that much - so unless the fire/flood/causualty/invasion of the bodysnatchers happens in my cabin, the mess, radio room or the bar I spend most of the exercise looking for places. But I suppose that adds to the suspense of people looking over my shoulder! Where will he label next...? I muddled through today though and only got one person killed, which is a personal best! The first time I did it a few years ago, I managed to get myself killed which was rather fun!

Yes so I have been up since 4 this morning and am still going. I must write a strongly worded letter of complaint to head office.

Then to top the day off the Sat TV system has quite literally blown up. Inbetween getting people killed I was in and out of a Sat TV dome trying to fix something that had smoke coming from it. Nobody seemed that worried about me only 'Neighbours is on soon - is it working yet?'. I could have been overcome with smoke but it would have taken them 30 minutes to find me. 'He'll be alright - I will go and look for him once Neighbours ends!' In the end I haven't been able to fix it yet so people will have to watch the omnibus on Sunday or whenever its on.

On a brighter note it looks like we might have an eunexpected port visit to Cyprus sometime next week which will be kewl. I haven't been there so will have another flag to plant on my map of comings and goings. People be ready for the avalanche of postcards.

Fast forward, pause and rewind - just like a DVD!

I was sitting browsing the internet earlier when I came across a post about FilmFlex and how annoying the promo for it is. Obviously they do not appreciate the delights of 'five hundred films at your fingertips....stay in watch a thriller...' Oh how it evokes so many memories! Then ofcourse there was everyones favourite - Service Off Air! We watched for hours and hours wondering what would happen next. It was truly amazing!

But lest we forget - the programme to beat all programmes - providing many hours of quality entertainment

SIGNED BY THE BOX

Anyone who hasn't watched it hasn't lived. There was one woman who must have had about 5 outifts in the most horrific colours and three wigs, which she interchanged between songs. And her dancing was outstanding. But I have trouble believing that any deaf person is going to set there alarm for 5 in the morning to get up and watch it. In saying that though, we all used to be up watching - with the sound on!!!!!!

I hae tears rolling down my face as I type this - I just can't stop laughing! We really used to sit and watch this rubbish! If anyone walks in the shack they will wonder what the hell I am doing...

One down, three to go!

Well as of tomorrow I will be one quarter of the way through this cruise. Not bad considering we haven't really gone anywhere. We have a mad week in front of us which will involve something called 'work' then off we sail to pastures new. I can't say too much but trust me it kewl where we are going! Hot hot!

I went to bed nice and early yesterday and am feeling refreshed and full of the joys of the world today. I shan't be drinking now for five whole days. Yes five whole days!!! I hope I don't get withdrawl symptons... I am starting to shake and sweat already.

I am sure I will muddle through somehow...

Sooooo Jealous!

Yes I am not a happy bunny!

My mates went to see Jeremy Kyle today and said it was ace. They even got to me some of Corries cast. Its not right. They had an ace time. How rude.

I am actually surpriced Jay went - I spoke to him last night on the phone and from what I could make out he was very very very drunk. He advised me that he had just nearly fell down the stairs. Crazy.

But the best was yet to come. 'Can you fix my computer for me Roy?'

Yes Jason - not a problem. I will get the Captain to turn the ship round and head for Liverpool with a copy of Windows. Tally ho! Or even better I will fly your laptop out, fix it and fly it back to you - first class ofcourse.

How do I know these people!?

Granny Smith Apples

As ever aboard RFA Disaster we have many things in life to worry about. Todays ponderable is who is this Granny Smith? Does she live in some far off forest surrounded, employing Umpa Lumpa's to go and collect apples then box them up for Sainsburys? Does she even exist or is it a governmet coverup? Who knows? If your out there Granny Smith give us a sign - preferably one that can be seen in the Gulf.

Back to my life - I did go down the bar last night. It was one of the lads birthday so I decided I would get in with the celebration. My 'not drinking' era came to a death defying halt with me falling off the wagon spectacularly! I (think) had 2 bottle of wine, but can't quite remember. I have no recollection of getting to bed. One thing I do remember though is being told some shocking stories about my drunken antics in Gibraltar. Hilarious, but shocking. I was allegedly dancing on tables in one bar, which in itself isn't a bad thing, if you've got it, flaunt it, but it was 5 in the afternoon. Ouch! I did a forwad roll in another bar... oh dear. I decided to stop listening then. There are also pix - I will post the tomorrow. After I have vetted them....

Sun is shinin', weather is sweet yeah!

Ere all!

Still bugger all happening here. I suppose I shouldn't complain, but it makes me feel better when I do. Its a hard life. A few hours a day sitting round on the internet, then in the sun, then in me bunk. Hard life indeed!

Its my night off tonight so I am going to have a few glasses of vino collapso down the bar. It would be rude not to. It really gets on my nerevs when people get time off and just sit in there cabins. Or when we are alongside and they get the day off and just sit in there cabins. They should be made to work or go ashore in my opinion. The problem is lots of people in the company are just to tight. The thought of having to spend a tenner ashore makes some of them physically sick. Some of them even work whilst on leave! Fools! Can you imagine it. 'Oh yes I am still getting paid, have 3 months off, but I know I will go and stack shelves in Lidl. Spend a little, live a lot eh?' Idiots.

I have just been eating a bagel and got it all over me. I need a bib. And a poo.

Jeremy Kyle

Some of my mates are going to see Jeremy Kyle filmed tomorrow. Well thats what they are telling me anyway. I bet they are actually going on the show to talk about me!

I can see the title now:

'He's gone for now but we know he'll be back!'

First will up march our John.

'Jeremy I had to move to Mossley Hill or something just to get away from him. He just permanently wanted to party. I myself haven't had a job for about six years now so am unable to go out. The one time I did have a job I got sacked 'cos I was out with him. I just couldn't go on anymore. Its hard being on the dole!' Cry, weep, sniff, cry. 'Jeremy - I don't suppose you could lend me a fiver could you? My bank card has mysteriously stopped working. I promise I will drop it off for you tomorrow....' Cry, whimper.

Cut to audience shot, all shaking there heads....

Then Jason Moore.

'Alrite der Jeremy! Your my hero! I often V+ you so I can pause, fast forward and rewind you just like a DVD. Anyway. He just appeared one weekend and never went away. He would arrive with beer, force us to drink it then force us to party for days and days. Oh it ws horrible!!! Even his cousin has nothing to do with him anymore. The voices... the voices. They don't go away anymore. Some days he would force us all to stay off work and go the pub. Oh it was a nightmare!! Help me Jeremy - help me!'

More audience shots, some with tears in there eyes.

Up marches Colin.

'Where am I? Tupac... Tupac?'

Cut to perplexed audience and Colin walks off talking to himself.

Then snotty Mick and Jess, snotty Mick holding Jess up.

First Jess. 'Oh Jeremy - the first three times he met me hedidn't even remember who I was! I wish I could forget him that easily. Thenwe invited him to our upper class bbq. It was meant to be a day out for the whole family - good food, intellectual chat - you know. But no - it turned into Creamfields! We were all in such a state. My mum hasn't been the same since. Oh it was horrible.'

Audience member wipes tears from eyes.

Snotty Mick. 'When where out Jess speaks to him more than me! I hate him!!!!!!!!!!!'

Claps from audience! Jeremy comforts Jess.

Danny stumbles out.

'Jeremy I went to his one night and don't remember anything for about 3 days. Its got to stop - stop I tel you! Stop. I am thinking of moving far far away, but I know he will appear. I know....!'

Jeremy turns to audience.

'He actually sounds like quite a good laugh!'

I knew it was too good to be true!

Shock Horror!

We were just about to head out to the Gulf when the ship got a phone call from HQ telling us to turn around! RFA Disaster strikes again. Its all very vague about where we are going and why we are going there, but unsurprisignly we aren't going to where we w where meant to be going! How cryptic...

So now we are floating about going generally nowhere.

If anyone out there has any idea whats going on feel free to let me know.

So other than that whats going on in Royland? Not alot really. I intend to start tanning tomorrow. I want to come home draker than a black hole thats been in the sun to long. 30 mins a day for the next three months should surfice. I will be all tanned for Xmas while everyone else looks like they have been told they have a week to live. Boo hoo hoo!

Victor is dead!

Hello Hebrews and Shebrews!

Yes, allegedly 'Victor' is missing, presumed dead. For those of you who aren't aware of who 'Victor' is let me start at the beginning.

Many weeks ago during one of my now legendary all weekers which involves much partying and little sleep, everyone except (as usual) me and Jason had either died, moved on or disappeared. So with no Jeremy Kyle to watch we moved onto the documentries. Having exhausted Virgins' On Demand we opted for OV Guide and went about watching numerous programmes from that. After many hours of space, space (more about that later) and a bit more space we moved onto UFO's.

There was one particular prgramme which was really good about this alleged Alien Interview. Now just watching the alleged interviw itself you would say no its a fake, but after watching the whole programme its actually quite convincing. Well the man who 'smuggled' the tape from Area 51 was a mysterious figure known only as 'Victor'. He was balcked out to hide his identity. Being bored last night I started to have a read on the net about this programme and this man has all of a sudden gone missing. The programme itself is now over 10 years old and no-one has come out to say its fake, which only lets me believe it more. Strange huh?

Going back to space - I bet between me and Jason we now have enough knowledge of space to open our own University. There was one particular programme where I man with a chalkboard drew lots of nice pictures and explained to us:

a) outisde our atmosphere is space
b) space is big
c) what a star looks like
d) he can talk about space for over 10 chapters (trust me we flicked through them)

So if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to put the on the back of a postacrd...

Also lots of scientists are looking for black holes. They advised us that they don't know what they look like, are probably very very small, don't know where they are and that they are invisible. So shouldn't be that difficult to find then!!!!!

On a lighter note, the cruise continues to go well. I have been onboard just under a month now - thaat means I am one quarter of the way though my trip. Only three months to go campers and you will all rejoice at my reappearence. I expect you all to be waiting at Manchester Airport with flags and a brass band hailing my return. I can picture it now...

Sunday

Ahoy campers!

I am a little tired this morning after staying up to late watching movies. After a mamouth six hour watch I decided to go and sit in the bar and watch a few DVD's with a glass of vino collapso. I must recommend Cloverfield. It has the usual horror silly mistakes - eg. don't run down dark tunnels when monsters are knockin' about, your mates are dead - why bother going to try and rescue them? etc. etc. But generally not a bad film. Ending is a bit poo but I look forward to what I expect will be numerous sequels. I then watched The Simpsons Movies, which although I had seen before was still quite good.

So instead of getting to bed at 2am I stumbled in at 5am, and had to be back up at 12pm. Oh well... I have done MUCH worse than that. I finish at four'ish and will be straight to bed. Sleepy, sleepy, bye, bye.

And should any of my friends be reading this, ofcourse I would come and rescue you, even if someone told me you were dead. Definitely.

Sky News

I cannot believe what I have just seen. Whilst working extremely hard I was watching Sky News about thias XL Airline collapse.

First off there was a gang of six lads who were holidaying in Ibiza. They were complaining that they would have to spend an extra two nights in Ibiza for free. Hold on - two free nights in Ibiza? How is that a bad thing? They didn't look old enough to work so that can't have been a problem and I am sure they haven't got much to come home to... I can just imagine the conversation they had with there rep.

"I am so sorry Mr Whateveryournameis, you will have to spend an extra two nights here, full board, free of charge"
"Oh boo hiss boo - I was sooo looking forward to going back the UK. I hear the weather has been brilliant and I never bore of watching This Morning whilst sponging off the system. Can I speak to your manager? I demand to be sent home now"

No! If that was me I would be made up now - its free! Its Ibiza. The youth of today!


Then....

A woman is being comforted by her 'other half' - whatever that means? They had been on holiday for four nights on the Costa Del Sol. These are quotes - I kid you not...

Sob, sob, sob, sniff 'I can't beleiev it - I fell like my life is ruined', sniff, sniff, whimper 'I want to go home' cuddle, sniff, more tears, sniff 'This was meant to be a holiday of a lifetime - it took us a year to save for this' more tears, sniff, sniff 'Its ruined!

Get a grip woman!!!!!! Your life is ruined? How? 60,000 people being evacuated from Texas and some loosing there homes is life ruined. Loosing a family member on a train crash in LA is life ruined. Having to spend an extra night in Spain is far from ruined!!!! And the holiday of a lifetime. Come on luv - what did you do - put a pound a week away in a savings account then go wild on four days? Livin' on the edge eh? Its the Costa Del Sol - not two weeks first class to the moon. You can imagine her at home. 'Oh my god a bulb has gone in the living room - do you think we will ever recover from this tragedy, darling?' sob sob sob whinge cry 'We'll muddle though hun!' sob, sob, 'My life is ruined..... again!!!' sob sob.

Where do Sky News get these people?

Pirates...

Well another day comes to a close. As usual very little has happened and surprisingly another day has passed without us breaking down. I am still however going to bed with my life jacket on, in a lifeboat. You never know...
Other than that the cruise goes well though.

On a lighter note today I had a riveting conversation about Pirates. Not the 'Arggghh... shiver me timbers type' but the 'Give us your ship or we will kill you' type, which admittedly isn't that much different from the 'Arggghh... shiver me timbers type' but minus the parrots and men with hooks. You know what I mean.

Well anyway I was aked why we never get attacked by pirates. How rude of them! After an initial look of disgust I was about to say 'Yes, yes, if pirates want a rusting, broken down, undermanned heap of a ship, they would go fo the Titanic'. But kept that thought to myself and let the question wash over me. But noooo... I was then told that they wouldn't attack us anyway.Why? In case we throw potatoes and toilet rolls at them? Shout naughty words at them? Break down, ram them (accidentally) then have to ask them to tow us back to port to be reapaired? Yes I am sure they see us coming over the horizon and abandon ship. Hmmm...

Welcome!

Ahoy there campers from RFA Disaster!

This is my personal blog for all my family, friends and anyone else who cares enough to spend precious time reading my rants, raves and general mumblings.

I hope to update it twice daily so make sure you come back and read often.

Everyone take care!

Roy