Meeeeooooooooooooooow!

Ah well another day almost over. We haven't been turned round yet, told to go somewhere else, sank, or even crashed for days! It all seems rather odd. But then again the day is not yet over so we wait and see.

On a lighter note I am getting pissed tonight. They have some yum yum wine in the bar with my name written all over it. I have a t-shirt like that. I didn't even realise until someone pointed it out to me! I didn't buy it for that reason - promise! I can't help it if Primark (you know that pricey, upmarket, well-to-do clothes shop) want to put my name on t-shirts...

Din dins was delicious tonight - I even nearly went round for seconds! I decided against it though as I don't want to much food lining my stomach and meaning it takes me longer to get drunk. And if I had gone round for seconds I would have probably doubled my body weight or exploded (stop that cheering in the back). Speaking of which I have put on half a stone since I joined this ship. I can't see how. Everyone knows how hard I work - all that fat should burn off like there is now tomorrow. I am even breaking into a sweat as we speak typing this.

Best have a lay down for a few minutes.

Surprisingly Quiet

Something is not right.

It has been very very quiet onboard here over the past few days. Since all the trainers left not alot has happened. Something is afoot!

I haven't even had a drink - well thats a lie. I had two cans of Fosters yesterday afternoon but didn't even really enjoy them. Just wasn't in the mood. Strange - I must be ill. Off to the Doc for me (but what else would he find wrong with me? As I have mentioned before I am barred from Ashworth for 'corrupting the inmates' so they can't send me there again!).

We had the Sat TV (not) Repair Man out yesterday who confirmed what I already knew. The Sat TV dome is buggered. I could have saved him the journey but you know what these type are like. 'We know better than you' blah blah blah. So no tv for a few weeks - I am ready for the never ending whinging... God what did people do at sea before TV was around? I dread to think... I know what goes on when we do have TV!!!!

Shock! Horror! Two - Roy Strikes Back

Well I am quite proud of myself today.

After being up since 1am this morning (2-8 watch) then starting my stint in the command centre (HQ1) at 8 as Incident Board Manager I can't believe how well I did. Everything went really really well. I excelled!

Then when we had the debrief the senior FOST (Flag Officer Sea Training - 17th in line to the throne - more Royalty) highlighted the stars of the exercise and the other 2 were Senior Officers and then little old me. I couldn't believe it. I bet I will get some stick down the bar tonight!

Then to top it all of, when I have just came on watch he came upto the shack and told me I was an 'incredibly talented young man and a credit to the RFA and most importantly the ship!' He obviousbly down't know me that well! He then went onto explain he was amazed at my ability to liase with senior officers with confidence then pass loads of information around the ship quicly and most importantly correctly. He also mentioned he had made this clear to the Captain and that I have an extremely bright future if I continue this way.

I want some of whatever he is on!!!!!! Its put me in a really good mood actually. I was already really enjoying this trip and that has made it even better. But enough about me being brilliant.

Shock! Horror!

Well it look like Cyprus is off Campers. I can't believe it - I was really looking forward to getting deported from another country! I got up this morning only to be given the full horror of events. You will never guess why we aren't going. Ship far to busy? Were needed somewhere else? World War Three about to break out?

No...

Someone forgot to tell them we were coming.

You can't make stuff like this up.

You can imagine the Cypriot authorities on seeing this big grey ship heading for one of there ports.

'Oh no! The Brits are coming. First Afghanistan, then Iraq - now Cyprus.'

Bugger...

Day 2 of Operation 'Try not to kill anyone'

Ahhh, what a difference a day makes.

I managed not to get anyone killed today. Unfortunately this might of had something to do with me sending people to completely the wrong places. I managed to send one fire party to a compartment without a fire, and another team to a compartment without a flood. So the only way they were going to get injured is if they tripped up on the way! So the moral to the story is send people to the wrong places. At least you know it won't be a fire or flood that kills them. I don't think this would hold up at a board of inquiry but it sure helps me sleep at night!

Speaking of sleep, after my mucho mucho tiredness yesterday I managed to get loads and loads of sleep in today so feel tip top. I think my body has adjusted to all this 'work work work' now. Also I think the seventeen cups of tea and twenty three cans of coke are helping. To be honest though once the adrenaline gets going and I start sending people off to the wrong places the time just flys by.

Oh I had a Mars bar today - it was yum yum. I haven't had any real chocolate since I left the UK over a month ago. Livin' the dream eh?

87 days to go....

How rude!

You will not believe it but I have been forced to work today! I didn't join the navy to go to sea!

We have had the training people on teaching us what to do if the ships is sinking, or flooding or on fire. They could cut all this nonsence down by teaching what I would do if the ship was sinking, flooding or on fire - thats right, throw on a ife jacket, climb into a lifeboat, lower it and head for land ensuring to get supplies from the bar - you don't know how long it will be until you have your next drink!

For some reason known only to them they have me up in the control centre of the ship named HQ1. Don't know where HQ2 is, so it seems rather odd to call it HQ1, but I suppose someone somewhere was paid alot of money to come up with that. I get information from all round the ship then whittle it down reporting on the bits people need to know, updating an incident baord, which is basically a big map of the ship putting things like fire here, fire there etc. The problem is I really don't know my way round the ship that much - so unless the fire/flood/causualty/invasion of the bodysnatchers happens in my cabin, the mess, radio room or the bar I spend most of the exercise looking for places. But I suppose that adds to the suspense of people looking over my shoulder! Where will he label next...? I muddled through today though and only got one person killed, which is a personal best! The first time I did it a few years ago, I managed to get myself killed which was rather fun!

Yes so I have been up since 4 this morning and am still going. I must write a strongly worded letter of complaint to head office.

Then to top the day off the Sat TV system has quite literally blown up. Inbetween getting people killed I was in and out of a Sat TV dome trying to fix something that had smoke coming from it. Nobody seemed that worried about me only 'Neighbours is on soon - is it working yet?'. I could have been overcome with smoke but it would have taken them 30 minutes to find me. 'He'll be alright - I will go and look for him once Neighbours ends!' In the end I haven't been able to fix it yet so people will have to watch the omnibus on Sunday or whenever its on.

On a brighter note it looks like we might have an eunexpected port visit to Cyprus sometime next week which will be kewl. I haven't been there so will have another flag to plant on my map of comings and goings. People be ready for the avalanche of postcards.

Fast forward, pause and rewind - just like a DVD!

I was sitting browsing the internet earlier when I came across a post about FilmFlex and how annoying the promo for it is. Obviously they do not appreciate the delights of 'five hundred films at your fingertips....stay in watch a thriller...' Oh how it evokes so many memories! Then ofcourse there was everyones favourite - Service Off Air! We watched for hours and hours wondering what would happen next. It was truly amazing!

But lest we forget - the programme to beat all programmes - providing many hours of quality entertainment

SIGNED BY THE BOX

Anyone who hasn't watched it hasn't lived. There was one woman who must have had about 5 outifts in the most horrific colours and three wigs, which she interchanged between songs. And her dancing was outstanding. But I have trouble believing that any deaf person is going to set there alarm for 5 in the morning to get up and watch it. In saying that though, we all used to be up watching - with the sound on!!!!!!

I hae tears rolling down my face as I type this - I just can't stop laughing! We really used to sit and watch this rubbish! If anyone walks in the shack they will wonder what the hell I am doing...

One down, three to go!

Well as of tomorrow I will be one quarter of the way through this cruise. Not bad considering we haven't really gone anywhere. We have a mad week in front of us which will involve something called 'work' then off we sail to pastures new. I can't say too much but trust me it kewl where we are going! Hot hot!

I went to bed nice and early yesterday and am feeling refreshed and full of the joys of the world today. I shan't be drinking now for five whole days. Yes five whole days!!! I hope I don't get withdrawl symptons... I am starting to shake and sweat already.

I am sure I will muddle through somehow...

Sooooo Jealous!

Yes I am not a happy bunny!

My mates went to see Jeremy Kyle today and said it was ace. They even got to me some of Corries cast. Its not right. They had an ace time. How rude.

I am actually surpriced Jay went - I spoke to him last night on the phone and from what I could make out he was very very very drunk. He advised me that he had just nearly fell down the stairs. Crazy.

But the best was yet to come. 'Can you fix my computer for me Roy?'

Yes Jason - not a problem. I will get the Captain to turn the ship round and head for Liverpool with a copy of Windows. Tally ho! Or even better I will fly your laptop out, fix it and fly it back to you - first class ofcourse.

How do I know these people!?

Granny Smith Apples

As ever aboard RFA Disaster we have many things in life to worry about. Todays ponderable is who is this Granny Smith? Does she live in some far off forest surrounded, employing Umpa Lumpa's to go and collect apples then box them up for Sainsburys? Does she even exist or is it a governmet coverup? Who knows? If your out there Granny Smith give us a sign - preferably one that can be seen in the Gulf.

Back to my life - I did go down the bar last night. It was one of the lads birthday so I decided I would get in with the celebration. My 'not drinking' era came to a death defying halt with me falling off the wagon spectacularly! I (think) had 2 bottle of wine, but can't quite remember. I have no recollection of getting to bed. One thing I do remember though is being told some shocking stories about my drunken antics in Gibraltar. Hilarious, but shocking. I was allegedly dancing on tables in one bar, which in itself isn't a bad thing, if you've got it, flaunt it, but it was 5 in the afternoon. Ouch! I did a forwad roll in another bar... oh dear. I decided to stop listening then. There are also pix - I will post the tomorrow. After I have vetted them....

Sun is shinin', weather is sweet yeah!

Ere all!

Still bugger all happening here. I suppose I shouldn't complain, but it makes me feel better when I do. Its a hard life. A few hours a day sitting round on the internet, then in the sun, then in me bunk. Hard life indeed!

Its my night off tonight so I am going to have a few glasses of vino collapso down the bar. It would be rude not to. It really gets on my nerevs when people get time off and just sit in there cabins. Or when we are alongside and they get the day off and just sit in there cabins. They should be made to work or go ashore in my opinion. The problem is lots of people in the company are just to tight. The thought of having to spend a tenner ashore makes some of them physically sick. Some of them even work whilst on leave! Fools! Can you imagine it. 'Oh yes I am still getting paid, have 3 months off, but I know I will go and stack shelves in Lidl. Spend a little, live a lot eh?' Idiots.

I have just been eating a bagel and got it all over me. I need a bib. And a poo.

Jeremy Kyle

Some of my mates are going to see Jeremy Kyle filmed tomorrow. Well thats what they are telling me anyway. I bet they are actually going on the show to talk about me!

I can see the title now:

'He's gone for now but we know he'll be back!'

First will up march our John.

'Jeremy I had to move to Mossley Hill or something just to get away from him. He just permanently wanted to party. I myself haven't had a job for about six years now so am unable to go out. The one time I did have a job I got sacked 'cos I was out with him. I just couldn't go on anymore. Its hard being on the dole!' Cry, weep, sniff, cry. 'Jeremy - I don't suppose you could lend me a fiver could you? My bank card has mysteriously stopped working. I promise I will drop it off for you tomorrow....' Cry, whimper.

Cut to audience shot, all shaking there heads....

Then Jason Moore.

'Alrite der Jeremy! Your my hero! I often V+ you so I can pause, fast forward and rewind you just like a DVD. Anyway. He just appeared one weekend and never went away. He would arrive with beer, force us to drink it then force us to party for days and days. Oh it ws horrible!!! Even his cousin has nothing to do with him anymore. The voices... the voices. They don't go away anymore. Some days he would force us all to stay off work and go the pub. Oh it was a nightmare!! Help me Jeremy - help me!'

More audience shots, some with tears in there eyes.

Up marches Colin.

'Where am I? Tupac... Tupac?'

Cut to perplexed audience and Colin walks off talking to himself.

Then snotty Mick and Jess, snotty Mick holding Jess up.

First Jess. 'Oh Jeremy - the first three times he met me hedidn't even remember who I was! I wish I could forget him that easily. Thenwe invited him to our upper class bbq. It was meant to be a day out for the whole family - good food, intellectual chat - you know. But no - it turned into Creamfields! We were all in such a state. My mum hasn't been the same since. Oh it was horrible.'

Audience member wipes tears from eyes.

Snotty Mick. 'When where out Jess speaks to him more than me! I hate him!!!!!!!!!!!'

Claps from audience! Jeremy comforts Jess.

Danny stumbles out.

'Jeremy I went to his one night and don't remember anything for about 3 days. Its got to stop - stop I tel you! Stop. I am thinking of moving far far away, but I know he will appear. I know....!'

Jeremy turns to audience.

'He actually sounds like quite a good laugh!'

I knew it was too good to be true!

Shock Horror!

We were just about to head out to the Gulf when the ship got a phone call from HQ telling us to turn around! RFA Disaster strikes again. Its all very vague about where we are going and why we are going there, but unsurprisignly we aren't going to where we w where meant to be going! How cryptic...

So now we are floating about going generally nowhere.

If anyone out there has any idea whats going on feel free to let me know.

So other than that whats going on in Royland? Not alot really. I intend to start tanning tomorrow. I want to come home draker than a black hole thats been in the sun to long. 30 mins a day for the next three months should surfice. I will be all tanned for Xmas while everyone else looks like they have been told they have a week to live. Boo hoo hoo!

Victor is dead!

Hello Hebrews and Shebrews!

Yes, allegedly 'Victor' is missing, presumed dead. For those of you who aren't aware of who 'Victor' is let me start at the beginning.

Many weeks ago during one of my now legendary all weekers which involves much partying and little sleep, everyone except (as usual) me and Jason had either died, moved on or disappeared. So with no Jeremy Kyle to watch we moved onto the documentries. Having exhausted Virgins' On Demand we opted for OV Guide and went about watching numerous programmes from that. After many hours of space, space (more about that later) and a bit more space we moved onto UFO's.

There was one particular prgramme which was really good about this alleged Alien Interview. Now just watching the alleged interviw itself you would say no its a fake, but after watching the whole programme its actually quite convincing. Well the man who 'smuggled' the tape from Area 51 was a mysterious figure known only as 'Victor'. He was balcked out to hide his identity. Being bored last night I started to have a read on the net about this programme and this man has all of a sudden gone missing. The programme itself is now over 10 years old and no-one has come out to say its fake, which only lets me believe it more. Strange huh?

Going back to space - I bet between me and Jason we now have enough knowledge of space to open our own University. There was one particular programme where I man with a chalkboard drew lots of nice pictures and explained to us:

a) outisde our atmosphere is space
b) space is big
c) what a star looks like
d) he can talk about space for over 10 chapters (trust me we flicked through them)

So if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to put the on the back of a postacrd...

Also lots of scientists are looking for black holes. They advised us that they don't know what they look like, are probably very very small, don't know where they are and that they are invisible. So shouldn't be that difficult to find then!!!!!

On a lighter note, the cruise continues to go well. I have been onboard just under a month now - thaat means I am one quarter of the way though my trip. Only three months to go campers and you will all rejoice at my reappearence. I expect you all to be waiting at Manchester Airport with flags and a brass band hailing my return. I can picture it now...

Sunday

Ahoy campers!

I am a little tired this morning after staying up to late watching movies. After a mamouth six hour watch I decided to go and sit in the bar and watch a few DVD's with a glass of vino collapso. I must recommend Cloverfield. It has the usual horror silly mistakes - eg. don't run down dark tunnels when monsters are knockin' about, your mates are dead - why bother going to try and rescue them? etc. etc. But generally not a bad film. Ending is a bit poo but I look forward to what I expect will be numerous sequels. I then watched The Simpsons Movies, which although I had seen before was still quite good.

So instead of getting to bed at 2am I stumbled in at 5am, and had to be back up at 12pm. Oh well... I have done MUCH worse than that. I finish at four'ish and will be straight to bed. Sleepy, sleepy, bye, bye.

And should any of my friends be reading this, ofcourse I would come and rescue you, even if someone told me you were dead. Definitely.

Sky News

I cannot believe what I have just seen. Whilst working extremely hard I was watching Sky News about thias XL Airline collapse.

First off there was a gang of six lads who were holidaying in Ibiza. They were complaining that they would have to spend an extra two nights in Ibiza for free. Hold on - two free nights in Ibiza? How is that a bad thing? They didn't look old enough to work so that can't have been a problem and I am sure they haven't got much to come home to... I can just imagine the conversation they had with there rep.

"I am so sorry Mr Whateveryournameis, you will have to spend an extra two nights here, full board, free of charge"
"Oh boo hiss boo - I was sooo looking forward to going back the UK. I hear the weather has been brilliant and I never bore of watching This Morning whilst sponging off the system. Can I speak to your manager? I demand to be sent home now"

No! If that was me I would be made up now - its free! Its Ibiza. The youth of today!


Then....

A woman is being comforted by her 'other half' - whatever that means? They had been on holiday for four nights on the Costa Del Sol. These are quotes - I kid you not...

Sob, sob, sob, sniff 'I can't beleiev it - I fell like my life is ruined', sniff, sniff, whimper 'I want to go home' cuddle, sniff, more tears, sniff 'This was meant to be a holiday of a lifetime - it took us a year to save for this' more tears, sniff, sniff 'Its ruined!

Get a grip woman!!!!!! Your life is ruined? How? 60,000 people being evacuated from Texas and some loosing there homes is life ruined. Loosing a family member on a train crash in LA is life ruined. Having to spend an extra night in Spain is far from ruined!!!! And the holiday of a lifetime. Come on luv - what did you do - put a pound a week away in a savings account then go wild on four days? Livin' on the edge eh? Its the Costa Del Sol - not two weeks first class to the moon. You can imagine her at home. 'Oh my god a bulb has gone in the living room - do you think we will ever recover from this tragedy, darling?' sob sob sob whinge cry 'We'll muddle though hun!' sob, sob, 'My life is ruined..... again!!!' sob sob.

Where do Sky News get these people?

Pirates...

Well another day comes to a close. As usual very little has happened and surprisingly another day has passed without us breaking down. I am still however going to bed with my life jacket on, in a lifeboat. You never know...
Other than that the cruise goes well though.

On a lighter note today I had a riveting conversation about Pirates. Not the 'Arggghh... shiver me timbers type' but the 'Give us your ship or we will kill you' type, which admittedly isn't that much different from the 'Arggghh... shiver me timbers type' but minus the parrots and men with hooks. You know what I mean.

Well anyway I was aked why we never get attacked by pirates. How rude of them! After an initial look of disgust I was about to say 'Yes, yes, if pirates want a rusting, broken down, undermanned heap of a ship, they would go fo the Titanic'. But kept that thought to myself and let the question wash over me. But noooo... I was then told that they wouldn't attack us anyway.Why? In case we throw potatoes and toilet rolls at them? Shout naughty words at them? Break down, ram them (accidentally) then have to ask them to tow us back to port to be reapaired? Yes I am sure they see us coming over the horizon and abandon ship. Hmmm...

Welcome!

Ahoy there campers from RFA Disaster!

This is my personal blog for all my family, friends and anyone else who cares enough to spend precious time reading my rants, raves and general mumblings.

I hope to update it twice daily so make sure you come back and read often.

Everyone take care!

Roy