Some of my mates are going to see Jeremy Kyle filmed tomorrow. Well thats what they are telling me anyway. I bet they are actually going on the show to talk about me!
I can see the title now:
'He's gone for now but we know he'll be back!'
First will up march our John.
'Jeremy I had to move to Mossley Hill or something just to get away from him. He just permanently wanted to party. I myself haven't had a job for about six years now so am unable to go out. The one time I did have a job I got sacked 'cos I was out with him. I just couldn't go on anymore. Its hard being on the dole!' Cry, weep, sniff, cry. 'Jeremy - I don't suppose you could lend me a fiver could you? My bank card has mysteriously stopped working. I promise I will drop it off for you tomorrow....' Cry, whimper.
Cut to audience shot, all shaking there heads....
Then Jason Moore.
'Alrite der Jeremy! Your my hero! I often V+ you so I can pause, fast forward and rewind you just like a DVD. Anyway. He just appeared one weekend and never went away. He would arrive with beer, force us to drink it then force us to party for days and days. Oh it ws horrible!!! Even his cousin has nothing to do with him anymore. The voices... the voices. They don't go away anymore. Some days he would force us all to stay off work and go the pub. Oh it was a nightmare!! Help me Jeremy - help me!'
More audience shots, some with tears in there eyes.
Up marches Colin.
'Where am I? Tupac... Tupac?'
Cut to perplexed audience and Colin walks off talking to himself.
Then snotty Mick and Jess, snotty Mick holding Jess up.
First Jess. 'Oh Jeremy - the first three times he met me hedidn't even remember who I was! I wish I could forget him that easily. Thenwe invited him to our upper class bbq. It was meant to be a day out for the whole family - good food, intellectual chat - you know. But no - it turned into Creamfields! We were all in such a state. My mum hasn't been the same since. Oh it was horrible.'
Audience member wipes tears from eyes.
Snotty Mick. 'When where out Jess speaks to him more than me! I hate him!!!!!!!!!!!'
Claps from audience! Jeremy comforts Jess.
Danny stumbles out.
'Jeremy I went to his one night and don't remember anything for about 3 days. Its got to stop - stop I tel you! Stop. I am thinking of moving far far away, but I know he will appear. I know....!'
Jeremy turns to audience.
'He actually sounds like quite a good laugh!'
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1 comment:
hay there u funny wierdo,
u av lost the plot an i like it, i hope my girl/boy friends dont mind it.
it felt so wrong but i knows he's alright
i wish roy was bk at home wit us tonight.
(not in a GAY way). lol.
these r some funny stories u comin out with lad. i was gopin to ask wot u r up 2but all i av to do is read these blogs. when r u home lad. i ment to ask u last night on the fone but i 4got. keep these mad arse stories comin lad.
in a bit lad
PS i av been workin nights in work an in the canteen at 5 in the mornin signed bye the box comes on an i sit there laughin 2my self tellin my work mates that the woman in the bottom corner will come on again in the next song doin another stupid dance but jus change here clothes an wig, i think she does it an thinks we dont no it is her but wer on to it even if no 1 else is. lol
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